How Does it Feel to be a Young Transgender/Ladyboy?

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To feel “normal” is something that almost everyone takes for granted in life. For transsexuals, it is the Holy Grail.”

 

My whole existence at times seems illogical.

When I was a child, I would hide my genitalia between my legs because I loved the way it looked. I liked the sensation or belief that I had no penis and I tried to imagine a straight line through the hidden frontal base of my penis, making it look like a vagina. This imagination, dream if I may, began at an early age; five or six. As I grew older, I realized that something was different about me. I knew that in a physical sense, I was a boy but my brain was telling me I was a girl. Every day, I would ask myself, “Is there something wrong with me?” I was always uncomfortable in my own flesh and had little or no confidence in front of kids my own age.

I identified myself as a male simply because my physical self showed me as such and, of course, my NSO record showed my sex as male. Still, despite my outward appearance, my mind could not accept me as a boy.  As weird as this sounds, I didn’t feel like I existed.  My name, my very being was fraudulent.

When I entered my teen years, my Adams Apple became more prominent and it shook my core that this very openly male feature was now so obvious. Although this didn’t cause any physical suffering, it was psychologically scarring and internally painful. I childishly tried to push it back inside my neck but nothing changed. I asked myself why I was experiencing such atypical discomfort. It is normal for boys to have it, right? I was 100% aware of my birth gender so I should have felt okay with an Adam’s apple but my mind would not be pacified and I was constantly crying.  Try to think of it like this:  You’re a girl and you wake up one day with excessive hair on your face and you learn that there is nothing you can do about it.  I was living this horror story.

As I advanced through my teens, things got worse. I wasn’t dealing with just an Adam’s Apple anymore; now I dealt with my stature, facial appearance and an overall bodily appearance that began to look hyper-masculine. I prayed things would get better but they just got worse.

Puberty was a complete nightmare that made me suicidal. I wanted to die because the psychological suffering I was enduring was affecting every facet of my life. I was only comfortable when I was performing the most basic daily routines like eating and sleeping and/or when I was physically ill. On the other side of the spectrum, simple things like bathroom breaks, walking and talking caused me headaches and debilitating anxiety.

I learned that my “illness” was labeled as Gender Dysphoria, which is defined as such: The formal diagnosis used by psychologists and physicians to describe people who experience significant dysphoria (discontent) with the sex and gender they were assigned at birth.

It is extremely incapacitating to have Gender Dysphoria. I cried to my parents, I told them that I didn’t choose this; that it’s difficult and that it made me agonize. I said that I wish I were born cisgender or homosexual regardless of gender. My body’s gender causes me psychological pain because it is contrary to the gender in my mind. It is not confusion but a literal disconnection.

I’m breathing but I don’t feel that I’m living like I should, or at least, not living like those that surround me every day. I might be alive, but I am not living life. All that I want is to become a functional citizen, contributing to society but because of the disconnect between my mind and my body, I can’t foresee any change. In brief, my female mind rejects my male body, ergo, my desire to die, in my eyes, is highly justified.

So how do I escape this mental torture? I have no idea how and no one in my family knows.

What have I done to face my problem?

It is ironical but as the saying goes, “everything happens for a reason.” This is true in my situation. I still feel blessed because I know from experience how important gender congruence is between the mind and body. Lack of it causes devastating things that makes life unpleasant but not without lessons learned.

Cisgender people should not take for granted the bodies that they have. For instance, most female cisgenders have told me that I shouldn’t dream of becoming a girl because being a girl is difficult (menstruation, childbirth, menopause, cosmetics, prejudices, etc.).

Cisgender: relating to someone whose sense of personal identity corresponds with the gender assigned to them at birth

How Do I respond to that?

I think it’s more difficult to be a transgender than to be a cisgender female. It’s natural for girls to experience specific natural episodes in life but would it not be more painful to be a “female” in a man’s body and not experience what you wish you could no matter how painful?

Bottom line:

To feel “normal” is something that almost everyone takes for granted in life. For transsexuals, it is the Holy Grail.”

Original article by Radz Matthew Brown

 

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